Preamble!

As I journeyed through the world of Facebook, I came across this poster that Naij.com had put up on their page. It had “CONFESSIONS” written in bold letters. A sub caption encouraged people to talk about that habit they have found impossible to break. From drinking Ijebu garri, to eating nails, to masturbation… It was amazing to see how people were willing to openly speak about their challenges, no matter how grave the weaknesses seemed. Comments were approaching the corridors of 2,000 when I last checked. Phew! This got me thinking…

This thing called masturbation

No time to go get a dictionary. So here goes my own workable definition for this purpose: “Masturbation is the act of seeking sexual gratification by deliberately stimulating the sexual organs (or other pleasurable parts of the body) by oneself, usually to the point of ejaculation.” Writings abound around this grey area, with varying opinions. Some say it is sinful, others say it is not. That’s beside the point here. In the end, you can make your own conclusions based on these findings…

Statement of problem

The problem is usually the replacement of “SEXUALITY” with “SENSUALITY”. ‘Sensuality’ is the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure. While ‘sexuality’ is the capacity for sexual feelings.

Sexuality is a gift that God has given to us all. It is as a result of the gift of human sexuality that we have the capacity to be kind, to love, to lust, to hate, etc. But sensuality is only one (limited) MANNER in which we CHOOSE to express our SEXUALITY. See?

Why do we masturbate?

We masturbate because we sometimes don’t know how else to deal with sexual urges. And mind you, the mind can spring up sexual urges for the strangest of reasons.

So we could suddenly have sexual thoughts for no reason, or wake up early in the morning with sexual fantasies… The mind can even transform loneliness, frustration and boredom to sexual feelings.

But the mind does this to propel us towards relating with others. But trust laziness nau. Why form healthy relationships with others when it’s so much easier to masturbate? I have one whole reflection dedicated to how best we can handle sexual urges. Click HERE if you are interested.

What happens when we masturbate…

When we masturbate, we choose to express our sexual feelings to ourselves. Rather than love someone else, we choose to love ourselves. Rather than have sexual feelings for someone else, we choose to have sexual feelings for ourselves. Rather than seek to make another person happy, we choose to make ourselves happy. Rather than strive to give someone else attention, we direct attention back at ourselves.

Ultimately, these lead to self-love and selfishness. Then again, because our brains love pleasure, we could even get addicted to the extent that we begin to prefer masturbation to any other form of sexual expression…

The implications of masturbation for relationships…

Research has shown that as high as 70% of male teenagers would have masturbated before the age of 19, with as high as 40% continuing to masturbate into adulthood. However, only about 30% of female teenagers would have masturbated before 19, with only about 15% continuing the habit into adulthood. This implies that the average male teenager would see relationships from the point of view of sexual gratification, while the average female teenager would approach relationships from other emotional points of need which may have nothing to do with sexual gratification at all.

The way forward…

It was quite interesting for me to read through the comments others had left for the young man who said masturbation was his weakness. Some recommended dry fasting for three days, while others advised him to go to a strong man/woman of God for deliverance.

I agree that prayer is the master key. I also know that efforts alone cannot make us any better, but grace. However, we must also understand that nothing good comes easy. We often forget the psychological aspects of our makeup. It is so much easier to acquire bad habits than to break them.

That we consistently masturbate is a sign that we have become addicted to sexual pleasure. To break this habit, we must form relationships that encourage and help us move away from situations and persons that led us there in the first place. Talk to your pastor, preacher, priest, and psychologist. Study the patterns that lead to this behaviour and pray about them. Then ask the following questions:

  • Am I addicted to pornography? Why? What can I do to break this habit? Do I need to use my phone less?
  • Am I flirtatious when I chat with friends? Do I need to block some contacts?
  • Do I feel depressed, bored and frustrated most times? What can I do to form better relationships?
  • Do I need to commit my life to a cause, like visiting orphanages, or the sick?
  • Am I lazy? How can I be more productive? Do I need a timetable or a time line? Do I need a friend to help make sure I meet deadlines?
  • How’s my prayer life? Do I have friends who are ready and willing to pray with me against this weakness? Do I need to read God’s Word more, or make more frequent use of the sacraments?

These are some of the questions we could start asking ourselves. Ultimately, no one knows us better than we do… So…

Conclusion…

In the end, it is pivotal to realise that masturbation is a SYMPTOM. It tells us a great deal about our sexual development and maturity. And as you know, symptoms can’t be cured. It might be better to go back to the roots and deal with the situations that led (or still lead) to masturbation.

We might continue to take paracetamol for headache. But if we fail to treat the cause of the headaches, the headaches might go away for a while, only to return. Are you with me?

God bless you!

© Oselumhense Anetor, 2017.

Image credit@ pixabay.com

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